superficiality ruins everything

I hate how superficiality ruins everything.

It is not even like the pain that makes my life horrible, although sometimes there is pain, but it is not the pain that controls most of how I want my life to be or how comfrtable I am at the moment.

Let me explain.

About two Summers ago I was diagnosed with a chronic disease- systemic lupus. Actually, I am not really sure the exact diagnosis is, but it is lupus, it's a rheutamology aliment, and it sucks. Although, I have a very mild or even very "small" form to which my organs are not affected (yet). Mostly, it is problems with joint pain, fatigue, and skin issues (like rashes). You're probably like, "okay, so what, everyone has those problems all the time". Yes, I know that is true, and frankly, I feel as though I have no reason to complain since my "illness" is really not that hard to deal with compared to other illnesses out there. But the thing is, I need to complain, I need to bitch, and I need to just write down how I really feel when most of the time I pretend that everything is okay. But there is pain, there is suffering, and there is a whole lot of suckedness.

Okay, so how does this pertain to my original thought? Well, if it isn't obvious, basically, right now I am going through a cosmetic type of issue with my lupus. I have these horrible cold sores both inside and outside my mouth. The sores are really not too noticeable, but totally noticeable to me. And there is this puss that comes out every so often that I must deal with. I don't think lupus caused this, but the medicine I am taking for lupus actually prevents my immune system from fighting off infections as well. The thing that sucks more is that it makes it very difficult to eat. And let me tell you, that sucks! I LOVE FOOD. Although I am losing a little bit of weight, everything I eat, just doesn't taste as good since I am basically in pain throughout the whole time. But I keep being aware of my sores and think wherever I go, I think people are staring at me! I know they are not, but that is just what I think. I feel like it is so obvious. It makes me sad that things have to be this way. That I have to feel this way when there are so many worse things that could happen to me.

Okay, I am tired. I do have more to say, but don't feel like typing any more.

But the sores are getting better. Thank God.