yet, almost another year has gone by. a lot has changed.
i moved to Baltimore, MD.
i am attending the number one Public Health school in the United States
i finally feel like i'm going after my dreams
even so, i still get frustrated with classes and work
i broke up with my boyfriend, well, he broke up with me
i still talk to my ex from college
i spend my 1st birthday in Baltimore, alone.
you know, i was not really all that sad to spend my birthday alone. in fact, i wanted to spend my birthday alone. i wanted to go shopping, get a nice dinner, and watch a couple of good movies. i didnt get to go shopping, my car didn't start, i had to wait for my food, the weather sucked, the movies i got were "okay", i forgot i wanted frosting on my cake, so i got an "okay" brownie rocky road thing.
yeah, that was my birthday, but there is so much that i am happy about. i can walk, i can read, i can hear, i am earning my Masters, i got into freckin Johns Hopkins, i have close friends, a loving family, and people who care about me, i have it all really. i just keep going in circles forgetting that.
things are hard here. and i miss Brian. i still do not think that we were meant to be. really, there are so many "personality" things that just didn't seem to fit or mesh well with us. but i had fun with him, i liked hugging him, and he was my friend. i really do consider him a good friend of mine, and now it is just weird b/c i still have these old feelings for him. i dont know if i ever really wanted to marry him or anything, but i guess, what i wanted was someone to fight for me, to love me, and want me, and want to take care of me. i dont think he ever really felt that. he is really sweet, and an amazing boyfirend, who did take care of me, but i think because he thought he had to. it was the moment when i allowed him to not be my boyfriend that he realized he didnt want to be. it didnt even take him 4 days to think about it. he just knew that was what he needed to do. i guess i am being selfish here. he really did need to do it. he really did need to be on his own. but i guess it just hurts that he did not need me. i guess that is what bothers me so much. i guess i really just miss someone having the obligation to care about me, to call me, to check up on me. i think i would hate myself if i kept him from doing what he needed. i guess, i just want someone to need me.
my brain has been weird lately. i just dont know where i stand or who i am or what i am doing somethings. i think i am in my head too much. but i dont really know what to do about it. i thought maybe writing in this will help get some of that out. now i'm just tired. i've been tired a lot lately, and my body is sore. probably becasue the chagne in weather.
oh, my flat warts has gotten better. has not spread, and mostly cleared. so i am happy about that.
i want to be happy.
i want to know and feel good about life.
yoga?
mediation?
i just need a sense of spiritality.
i think i lost my soul.
wait, that sounds too depressing.. i guess my soul, but the thing about me that was care-free and excited about life.
i want that back!
how to get it?
volunteer??
talk to people?
smile more?
maybe try yoga...
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