yes, it will be ok

If I die tomorrow

2012-01-10T08:09:00.000-08:00

I really need to make this list. I really need to sit down, and think about the fact that if I die, what would I want to do?

Here are some superficial thoughts (not too much time put into this yet...)

Go to Vietnam

Run a marathon

Go overseas

Traveling

CONTROL

2012-01-01T19:41:00.000-08:00

2012.

Wow. I cannot believe it is 2012. It's pretty amazing. I am 26 years old, at my sister's apartment in Madison, lounging around being a lazy bum and watching Step Brothers on FX. And I love it.

It is so nice to completely just waste a day. Of course, part of this wasting of the day is due to being slightly hung over/tired from the festivities of the evening prior. BUT it just feels so good to just do nothing and not worry about anything. Well, I still worry about things, but I love just having nothing to do. Soon enough, I will get tired of this and start itching to do something with my life. But for right now, in this moment, I'm loving doing nothing.

So the past 10 days have been nice. After 3 terms of being immersed in school, meeting new people, taking advantage of every networking opportunity, make lists of things that need to be done each day, working out, and trying to fit in a social life ---needless to say, it has been quite stressful. But I do enjoy being busy - less time for thinking. Sometimes I like not thinking because then I can forget anything bad that I've done, or a time I felt stupid. You know, those moments where you wish that you can just turn back time. How do people usually deal with that? If there is one thing I know for sure -- everyone is different, so everyone has their own way with dealing with things. I am not even sure how I do? Prayer?

So I know I've been all over the place the last few posts. But like I said, I've had a lot of time to think, and there are a LOT of things on my mind. Right now, I'd like to reflect a little bit on my life, and consider the things that I hope to work on this year. I know it is a bit cliche -- but I think it will be helpful.

So the theme that I see arising is == "CONTROL". I think I have lived too long thinking that life is just what is handed to you, and there isn't much else you can do than beyond what you think you can do. I am not sure if that makes sense. But I guess I have set these goals for myself that i think is as far as I can go -- but then I don't push the limits. Therefore, I want to take CONTROL of my life. I want to feel like the things that I am working for, contributing to, learning, experiencing are things that I have decided that I want to do -- I want to take more control of my LIFE.

1. Stop comparing myself to others and their accomplishments. This is one of the hardest things that I have been dealing with going to a school like JHSPH. I feel honored and grateful that I am given the opportunity to attend this prestigious school with such amazing classmates, but of course, I have self-confidence issues about what I can contribute to the class. I need to stop comparing myself to others, and rather, focus on what I can learn and how I can grow through my experiences with people. I should also focus on what my goals are for myself and what I want to gain from being at JHSPH.

2. Bring back my faith. I used to be a lot closer to God way back when -- especially in high school, when I thought things were "so bad". I don't want the only reason I go to God to be because things are hard. I want to make more of an effort to have Him in my life. The other day, I went through my old high school yearbook and read a few "signatures" from classmates. One classmate wrote about how I helped him grow and understand his own faith. There is nothing like the feeling of knowing that you helped someone. It is almost addicting. Reading that made me realize how strong my faith was back then. And it just seems to fit the way I came about my faith because it is the only way I would have gotten there. I still have my doubt at times, but I think this is normal. I do try to talk to Him when I can, but I want to make an effort to have Him be more a part of my every day life. I think it will make me happy.

3. Stop worrying so much about FOOD. I don't know how this started. I guess, every girl has weight issues. But it is getting ridiculous. I think part worrying about food got escalated because I knew it was happening. I definitely still want to eat better and continue to exercise, but I don't want to do these things for the wrong reasons. Plus, it is getting quite exhausting.

4. RESPECT myself. I need to have more respect for myself and my own body. I think I need to think of myself and my body as something special, and not just something that any guy can have. I think you know where this is going. I think I need to be old-fashioned, and not give into any guy because I think he's cute and I'm "in the mood". This will be hard for me to do, but I think I need to cleanse myself and any form of negativity. I mean, I have fun, BUT there is always a little part of me that wishes I could just abstain. So I am going to try and abstain, and just wait for the right guy to share these moments with.....

5. Try my DAMNEDEST to get overseas. I still have not left the North American continent. I can definitely say that hearing about the experiences of my classmates (and being jealous of these experiences) has persuaded me to want to spend some time overseas. It does not have to be for years, but I feel that I want to have some kind of experience overseas. I also feel that if I do not do it NOW, I will not get another opportunity to have this experience for an extended amount of time. But that is also something that I am struggling with. A classmate recently posted this blog type thing where it had pictures of different students who studied in Africa in their respective locations. The series of pictures suggested that students go abroad to "have this experience" because it is "cool" or something. For me, I know I want this experience because I almost feel like I am not a real "public health" student/professional if I do not have this experience -- too see how life is overseas, "on the other side" -- so see how it is NOT in the United States. I know that we are about a million, trillion, maybe even infinity times luckier to have been born in the States, but do I really understand? I want to help people here, in the United States, but I almost feel like I need this experience to do it well. BUT is this TOO SELFISH of a reason to want to go? Just to do my job better. I do not want to go overseas, and just sort of take a life-changing event, but not give anything back. Yeah, I could potentially use the experience to give back here -- but I want to do something that will have a lasting impact there. Is this too much too ask???

6. COURAGE. This is part of number 5. Lupus. That is definitely a barrier in my going overseas. I will need to spend a lot of time figuring out how to make this experience possible. I'd like to get a job (over volunteering) - so I'd have to find an employer to take a chance on me. I also have to find a way to continue with "treatment". Hmm...I pretty much need to be as healthy as possible to go. Does this mean I should stop drinking? That will be so hard because a LOT of the social activities at school are drinking activities. Maybe this will be my chance to CHANGE. I like drinking though, it is fun. But do I need it? How badly do I want to go overseas? Can I have fun without drinking? If the answer is NO. Then I'm fucked. I don't want to be fucked. So maybe that is it. I need to stop drinking. God help me! I hope I can do this. I think it will make things so much better too, right? No more hang overs!! Hmm...how badly do I want to go -- I guess that is the true question.

So wow. I am asking a LOT of myself, but I need to at least try, right??

wannabe

2011-12-27T12:09:00.001-08:00

I guess I've always been a wannabe.

That makes it rough because I don't really know what I really want. I sound like a complete moron. Or maybe a high school emotional type. It sucks though - to think you know, then you don't. That always gets me in trouble. I used to think that the "thing" about me that made me "me" was that I way always able to tell people what's on my mind, how I really feel, and just be real about it.

Like food tasting good.

Feeling cold.

Not comfortable.

Didn't like a movie.

Or at least, either I will say what is on my mind, or completely just not say anything at all.

It's really scary thinking that what you think you know about yourself, isn't yourself 10 years from now, just because you experience a thing called life.

For example, in high school. I was 100% all about being pro-life, and absolutely hated people who were not. And I was very vocal about it, and everyone knew it. I can tell you right now, I was 100% sure that this is how I feel and that I will never change. But then I grew up. Then I started having sex. And then I understood what it meant for a woman to want it make it her decision. Life changed me. Although, to this day, I do not know if I would be able to do it, but I understand why it should be a woman's decision now.

And that is why I don't believe in marriage. Or that anyone should make a vow to another person that they will always be with that person forever. But then I look at my parents, my sister who just got engaged, and I realize that for some people that works. So I guess for me, if I ever find that person that I feel forever with -- I think I may make those vows, but with the caveat and understanding that if we change, if I change, if he changes, that it is understood that maybe I will not love that person 10 years from now because they are not that same person I fell in love with 10 years ago.

I'm sorry this post is kind of all over the place. I used to write a lot more about how I was feeling about things so that they sort of make sense. I want to start writing more.

Really, there are a few things that I want to specifically write about, and maybe poem about. Some things have been on my mind that I want to get down, but haven't really sat down to do it. So here are some thoughts, and beginnings...

-------------

I am a bitch

yes, this is that poem written by that girl who just wants to say whatever is on her mind so that she can go to sleep without that guilt

I know I've said things that I shouldn't have

Things that hurt

How easily it could have been prevented if I would have just thought for a moment.

But I didnt.

To the girl who's getting married

Girls night out, drinks in hand,

Around the room sharing stories, thoughts, and views

Pianist at a picnic

Grudge at CVS

Maybe I should've just shut up for a second.

So the next time some acts like ab bitch to you, remember that you have been a bitch too.

-------------

Other thoughts -- doing what you want to do -- life is once.

If it makes you have to have that security, then live that life.

-------------

Running for those who cannot run.

5 minutes.

There are moments that I hope to never forget.

Those moments that change you.

Sometimes these are the moments that hurt you the most, scare you the most.

But those are the moments that make you, you.

What's my fear?

Why does it have to be so hard?

Every morning.

Brushing my hair and seeing the strands. Worried that

Checking my body for every new flash of something that wasn't there before.

But I only let myself feel sorry for myself for -- 5 minutes.

So I get to cry.

I get to feel badly.

I get to hate the world, hate God.

I get to wish that my life was different.

I have that right, right?

Yes.

I will only let myself cry.

Let myself feel badly.

Let myself hat the world, hate God.

Let myself wish that my life was different.

But only for 5 minutes.

Then I wake up.

Open my eyes.

See the world as what I have.

Thank God for what I have.

Damn, I can do so many things.

I can still walk.

I can run.

I can feel.

Eat.

Pray.

Sleep.

So I'll take the pain.

I'll take the fear.

I'll take whatever I was meant to take.

And if I ever feel bad again.

I will let myself feel, but only for 5 minutes.

inside my own thoughts

2011-10-03T15:35:00.000-07:00

hello again.

yet, almost another year has gone by. a lot has changed.

i moved to Baltimore, MD.

i am attending the number one Public Health school in the United States

i finally feel like i'm going after my dreams

even so, i still get frustrated with classes and work

i broke up with my boyfriend, well, he broke up with me

i still talk to my ex from college

i spend my 1st birthday in Baltimore, alone.

you know, i was not really all that sad to spend my birthday alone. in fact, i wanted to spend my birthday alone. i wanted to go shopping, get a nice dinner, and watch a couple of good movies. i didnt get to go shopping, my car didn't start, i had to wait for my food, the weather sucked, the movies i got were "okay", i forgot i wanted frosting on my cake, so i got an "okay" brownie rocky road thing.

yeah, that was my birthday, but there is so much that i am happy about. i can walk, i can read, i can hear, i am earning my Masters, i got into freckin Johns Hopkins, i have close friends, a loving family, and people who care about me, i have it all really. i just keep going in circles forgetting that.

things are hard here. and i miss Brian. i still do not think that we were meant to be. really, there are so many "personality" things that just didn't seem to fit or mesh well with us. but i had fun with him, i liked hugging him, and he was my friend. i really do consider him a good friend of mine, and now it is just weird b/c i still have these old feelings for him. i dont know if i ever really wanted to marry him or anything, but i guess, what i wanted was someone to fight for me, to love me, and want me, and want to take care of me. i dont think he ever really felt that. he is really sweet, and an amazing boyfirend, who did take care of me, but i think because he thought he had to. it was the moment when i allowed him to not be my boyfriend that he realized he didnt want to be. it didnt even take him 4 days to think about it. he just knew that was what he needed to do. i guess i am being selfish here. he really did need to do it. he really did need to be on his own. but i guess it just hurts that he did not need me. i guess that is what bothers me so much. i guess i really just miss someone having the obligation to care about me, to call me, to check up on me. i think i would hate myself if i kept him from doing what he needed. i guess, i just want someone to need me.

my brain has been weird lately. i just dont know where i stand or who i am or what i am doing somethings. i think i am in my head too much. but i dont really know what to do about it. i thought maybe writing in this will help get some of that out. now i'm just tired. i've been tired a lot lately, and my body is sore. probably becasue the chagne in weather.

oh, my flat warts has gotten better. has not spread, and mostly cleared. so i am happy about that.

i want to be happy.

i want to know and feel good about life.

yoga?

mediation?

i just need a sense of spiritality.

i think i lost my soul.

wait, that sounds too depressing.. i guess my soul, but the thing about me that was care-free and excited about life.

i want that back!

how to get it?

volunteer??

talk to people?

smile more?

maybe try yoga...

Another time, another issue, another bitching moment

2010-10-28T06:29:00.001-07:00

Hello again.

This is actually quite weird. It is has been more than three years since my last and only post. I even forgot that I had this blog until a complication with my lupus. Of course, it is a bit of a superficial thing, but definitely something on my mind that I've been trying to deal with. I figure that I should write about it, so I created a new blog. When I signed in using my g-mail account this morning, I found that I already had a blog - which was to serve the same purpose...

Recently, I found out that I have flat warts. Warts. Gross. Doctor says that it is something that I can't really do anything about and I just have to wait for my immune system to fight it off. Great, my immune system sucks. I feel gross. I feel dirty. I feel like I cannot touch anyone. I feel like every thing I do and everywhere I go, I am infecting someone. Doctor also says that most people's immune system's will fight it off, so I should not worry and just ignore it. Ignore it!! These little round white things on my face that could potentially infect someone else???? Of course I did a bunch of on-line research, which says that this could last up to YEARS!! Also, that it's pretty common among children and adolescents. So it makes me feel a little better that it is sort of everywhere, but at the same time, it's no fun having something. I started to really get down on myself, and wondering why this has to happen to me. Why does my immune system have to suck?? Why do I have to walk around worrying that I might hurt someone else? Why do I have to wake up every morning scared that something new might pop up? I have been doing pretty well lately, and this is the first real thing in quite some time (minus having allergic reaction to another medication, shingles, and strep), but I can't help but feel sorry for myself sometimes. I need to bitch. I need to say how I feel no matter how stupid it sounds because I cannot just hold it all inside. I feel sorry for myself, and I hate that it is happening to me, and I am scared of getting other people sick or getting some other sickness from someone else.

Okay, I said it. And now the high road. Flat warts are not going to kill anyone. It is mostly just annoying. Most people will NOT be affected by it, and possibly already have it. Most likely, someone who had it with no symptoms gave me the virus, and since my immune system is suppressed, I got the outer appearance. The flat warts are light white, almost flesh colored, so they are not too noticeable - I could probably cover it with makeup if I wanted. My doctor gave me some cream to try to help relieve it, so something is being done. Things could be a million time worse. They could look worse or hurt, I could have a worse complication with my lupus, I could be unemployed, I could have no support from family and friends, the list goes on. I should just put my chin up, and go about my day as usual -- just be careful when I touch things (don't touch the flat warts, then touch something else), and make sure to clean my hands regularly, etc. Nothing good comes from looking down on every situation all the time. As I noted earlier, it is good to let things out if you need to, but don't dwell!! I'm NOT doing to dwell!

Back to LIFE.

superficiality ruins everything

2007-08-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

I hate how superficiality ruins everything.

It is not even like the pain that makes my life horrible, although sometimes there is pain, but it is not the pain that controls most of how I want my life to be or how comfrtable I am at the moment.

Let me explain.

About two Summers ago I was diagnosed with a chronic disease- systemic lupus. Actually, I am not really sure the exact diagnosis is, but it is lupus, it's a rheutamology aliment, and it sucks. Although, I have a very mild or even very "small" form to which my organs are not affected (yet). Mostly, it is problems with joint pain, fatigue, and skin issues (like rashes). You're probably like, "okay, so what, everyone has those problems all the time". Yes, I know that is true, and frankly, I feel as though I have no reason to complain since my "illness" is really not that hard to deal with compared to other illnesses out there. But the thing is, I need to complain, I need to bitch, and I need to just write down how I really feel when most of the time I pretend that everything is okay. But there is pain, there is suffering, and there is a whole lot of suckedness.

Okay, so how does this pertain to my original thought? Well, if it isn't obvious, basically, right now I am going through a cosmetic type of issue with my lupus. I have these horrible cold sores both inside and outside my mouth. The sores are really not too noticeable, but totally noticeable to me. And there is this puss that comes out every so often that I must deal with. I don't think lupus caused this, but the medicine I am taking for lupus actually prevents my immune system from fighting off infections as well. The thing that sucks more is that it makes it very difficult to eat. And let me tell you, that sucks! I LOVE FOOD. Although I am losing a little bit of weight, everything I eat, just doesn't taste as good since I am basically in pain throughout the whole time. But I keep being aware of my sores and think wherever I go, I think people are staring at me! I know they are not, but that is just what I think. I feel like it is so obvious. It makes me sad that things have to be this way. That I have to feel this way when there are so many worse things that could happen to me.

Okay, I am tired. I do have more to say, but don't feel like typing any more.

But the sores are getting better. Thank God.